Moving on...

I'm not mired at the bottom of that canyon now. The path out isn't easy, but I'm getting there.

I can recognize, on some level, that I am actually dealing with this somewhat better than I might have in years past. Where once I would have clammed up and said nothing, or kept to myself, or engaged in any number of unhealthy releases (food or alcohol) as a way of trying to bury my pain, now I'm using exercise and talking to friends.

I had another chiropractic appointment yesterday, and one of the hardest things about this whole thing is trying to answer that question, "So, how are you?" Honestly? Do you want to know how I really am or do you want the generic, I'm fine, how are you? Because, honestly, I'd like to find a rock somewhere and crawl under. Initially, when Dr. Mike asked me how I was, I didn't really say what had happened, though I was honest about not doing well. As we talked, I did tell him why I was so not well, though my explanation was pretty brief.

It's difficult to put into words what it really means to have lost Kelsey. I didn't just lose a pet. For nearly fourteen years, Kelsey was my best friend. The worst times of my life, he was there; when I felt like I had nobody else, he was there. That big white shawl collar has soaked up a lot of tears, his bright happy smiling face has prompted a lot of laughs, and his sunny nature reminded me that even on the darkest days, it would get better. And now he's gone.

The challenge now is not only moving on, but moving on in a way that is healthy and productive to my wellness. This has caused a few stumbling blocks in my path. First and foremost has been my eating habits (and when Shawn goes over my food diary tonight, I will deserve every reprimand he sees fit to hand me). With the added stress in my life, I lost all track of keeping calorie counts in my head, I stopped doing mid-day checks, everything - my caloric intake has been really quite bad lately, to the point of unhealthy yesterday, when I barely topped 1000 calories all day. That's bad. I can't handle emotional and mental stress if I'm not physically well. Exercise is a good escape, but not if I'm starving myself at the same time. The worst thing is, I actually ate all day - I just wasn't eating properly, or enough. That was the really frustrating thing.

Live and learn. I'm watching my calorie counts a lot more closely now. I'm eating my snacks on a closer schedule. I'm cringing thinking about going through yesterday with Shawn, but I'm not going to lie about it either. It was a mistake, and one I'll learn from.

And in the meantime, I keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other, with slow deep breaths.


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