Waiting for the sun...

It's cloudy. It's cold. It's very gray. Sometimes I think I'm channeling the weather.

It probably comes as no surprise to anyone here when I confess that I'm an emotional eater.

*gasp* *shock* *awe*

I know, right? First person who's struggled with their weight to say that.

I don't handle stress. I used to. At least, I used to think I could handle it. I realize now all I did was deflect or... well, eat. I didn't handle it. But from the outside, I appeared to. I always seemed like the rock. Calm, cool, and collected. The one anyone could turn to. The one everyone did turn to.

When I first tried to get a handle on my emotional eating, I used walking. There have been days where I swear I covered 20 miles if I've taken a single step. But, as the stress in my life has intensified, walking wasn't that great an outlet.

When I first discovered yoga, it, too, was a reasonable outlet. It required focus, control, mental stability - but there were days where it felt like I was still just hiding behind that same mask I've always used when life got stressful.

And in the background, when things really ramped up, my brain would start screaming for food. Anything. Not necessarily comfort food, not necessarily good food - just put something in your mouth.

Since I started running, that impulse has gone. Not entirely - I doubt if it ever will - but it's a whisper now rather than a scream. I thought I had it conquered. I thought I was teaching myself to handle stress.

I think I was just giving myself another crutch.

In the last two days, no less than three people have asked me if I'm okay or told me I look worn out. It plays in my head all the time that I can't run. And now my brain is going back to being a pestering five-year-old clamouring for a chocolate bar. Which is creating more stress.

This is tough. This is really tough.

Sorry for the non-sunshiney post. Some days are just cloudy though. This is one of them. This is one of those days where I'm torn between being frustrated, and upset, and angry... and I just don't know what to feel. I'm frustrated with myself because I caused this injury, and because I want my body to be able to do more than it can. I'm upset because I'm realizing my demons aren't really vanquished like I thought they were. I'm angry at the people around me who refuse to understand and aren't willing to listen when I do want to talk, because they don't understand what all this is doing to me, and they don't seem to want to.

Today is a cloudy day. Cloudy days are hard.

Hopefully the sun will come out tomorrow.


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