I don't know how much personal trainers get paid....

.... but it isn't enough.

Oh my goodness, I feel so sorry for the poor guy who got stuck dealing with me tonight.

First things first, I think I'm going to have to find a new job. I cannot possibly hope to achieve any level of wellness while under this much stress all the time. Today it was like a pressure valve that had just been pushed a little too far, and while I can't go into details, suffice it to say, by the time I left work, I was not in a particularly good frame of mind. But, I had committed to this assessment, and I was going, come hell or high water.

I think maybe I've also been shoving myself down this path just a little too enthusiastically, and it all kind of caught up with me. I've been shoved out of a lot of comfort zones lately. One, I'm a control freak, and I keep willingly handing control over to other people. Two, I keep doing things that are new to me, and I don't like new things. Three, I keep putting myself in situations where I'm dealing with strangers. I don't really like strangers.

But, what doesn't kill ya, right?

Well, I'm not dead (obviously - if I were, this post would be a lot more remarkable and a lot less boring). Almost died of humiliation, but that's not actually possible.

The trainer I met with tonight, Shawn, is very nice, and obviously very competent -- and I feel so bad for him. Because like every good fitness assessment, tonight's started with a basic body composition measurement - including weight. Remember last week at Well Within? I don't really do scales. And last week was a reasonably okay week. Today was.... hell. I did warn Shawn that I was not good about the whole scale thing, that I had some serious body image issues, but he assured me that was just fine. Yeah, not so certain he was thinking that when I wrote the number down (the only scales are in the locker rooms) and then burst into tears.

Yes, I actually started crying. I have mentioned how stressful my day at work was, right? I'm really not nuts. Shawn, if you're reading this, I considered quitting my job at 11:30 this morning, so really, I'm not nuts. I've just been really pushed lately, and that was a little more than I could take, apparently.

To his credit, Shawn handled it really well (especially considering most men I know would have immediately gone into "OMG she's crying how do I make her stop!!?!?!" panic mode), and I actually really enjoyed the fitness assessment, even if I did manage to defy the laws of physics, and both suck and blow all at the same time. It was really educational; among other things, I discovered the goal weight I've been aiming for is ten pounds below what's realistic for me.

The challenge now is what to do with that information. I would *love* to hire Shawn as a personal trainer, but it sounds really expensive. At the same time, it would be well worth the investment. I don't know quite what to do at this point. I don't even know if I'll have a job next week at this point. He's given me a free half-hour session for Friday, just to try it out, see what it's like to work with a trainer. It doesn't cost anything to try. And maybe between now and Friday, I'll find a money tree.