The future is....

...scary.

That's my conclusion. It's scary. Sometimes even thinking about it is scary.

Shawn and I were talking last night during our session. Honestly, my plan, once my current set of sessions had expired, was simply to buy another set. Shawn, apparently, did not realize this, and from the sound of it, doesn't really feel it's necessary.

I have reasons for not wanting to venture out into the wide world just yet. For one, by the time this set of sessions expires, I will be just about ready to start law school. That's a big change in my life. I've worked really hard to maintain the habits I have, in the life I have, but my life is going to change drastically. It's going to get a lot more stressful. I don't know if I can handle that stress and maintain.

Two, the statistics on maintaining substantial weight loss are... well, depressing. Less than 20% of people who manage to lose a significant amount of weight can keep it off over five years. I've been a yo-yo dieter most of my life. I don't want to hit my goal, say adios, and go merrily on my way, just to crash and burn a year from now.

I used to be the type of person who made a million long-term plans; in recent years, I've switched my thinking to the immediate, short-term. It's easier on me, less stressful, and really, I have control over the short-term. Ultimately, although I'm seeing more results and feeling better all the time about this "fitness" endeavour, I still have a hard time imagining myself meeting my goal because, well, I've never managed to do it. It still feels "long-term" rather than "short-term."

As Shawn pointed out, it is his job to make me independent. He is supposed to make me able to do this on my own. And, 99% of my fight is, and will always be, managing to beat the psychological demons that hold me back, and make me think I can't do this.

I know all this.

So, why am I freaking out just a little bit this morning?

The future is scary. Status quo - not so scary.

And I have another assessment on Friday. Assessments suck. They're like tests you can't study for.

Deep breath, Cassandra.

If trust is earned, and I've spent the last ten years screwing this up, how am I supposed to learn to trust that I can do this on my own?